Between IDGAF and Giving Too Much: Boundaries Reconsidered
Finding Balance Between Protection and Connection
We have become obsessed with boundaries. They're important. We often need them. But have we truly examined our relationship with them?
Do we know how to set them with love?
Can we acknowledge they may hurt to receive?
Do we understand how our communication of them matters?
Have we learned how to soften them when appropriate?
Do we know how to receive them gracefully from others?
Are we aware of our needs only, or our needs in relation to others?
Boundaries aren't set and forget.
(Note: This reflection is not intended for abusive relationships, where firm, non-negotiable boundaries are often necessary for safety.)
The Ecosystem of Healthy Boundaries
In our quest for self-protection, we sometimes forget that boundaries exist within the ecosystem of human connection. They breathe. They bend. They evolve as we do.
These reflections come from my work in therapy—both as a therapist supporting others and as someone engaged in my own therapeutic journey. I've witnessed firsthand how boundaries shape our capacity for connection, and how our relationship with them evolves over time.
Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Setting a boundary with love means recognizing that your words may land heavily on another's heart. It means choosing language that honors both your needs and the other person’s dignity. It means being willing to sit in the discomfort that follows, neither abandoning your truth nor closing yourself to theirs.
And receiving boundaries? That requires its own kind of grace—the humility to hear someone's limits without defensiveness, to recognize that their boundaries aren't rejections but rather roadmaps to respecting them better.
The Dynamic Nature of Boundaries
Perhaps the most overlooked aspect of boundaries is their impermanence. They shift as we heal, as we grow, as circumstances change. The boundary that protected you during a fragile season might later become a barrier to connection. The limit that feels essential today might feel restrictive tomorrow.
This is why boundaries require ongoing conversation—with ourselves and with others. They ask us to:
Remain curious rather than calcified
Check in rather than check out
Reassess as we grow and heal
Stay flexible in our approach
Boundaries in Community
In a culture that often celebrates individualism, perhaps the most radical approach to boundaries is one that acknowledges our interdependence. Can we set boundaries that protect our well-being while remaining conscious of our impact on others? Can we honor our needs without forgetting our humanity is shared?
These aren't easy questions, and they have no perfect answers. But in the space of wondering, perhaps we move closer to boundaries that don't just guard us but guide us toward more authentic connection.
Conflict as Opportunity
As Kazu Haga reminds us in his book "Healing Resistance: A Radically Different Response to Harm," "Conflict is the spirit of the relationship asking itself to deepen." Perhaps our boundaries—and the conversations and conflicts they inevitably spark—are not obstacles to intimacy but essential catalysts for it. When we approach these moments of tension not as threats but as invitations to deeper understanding, we transform potential disconnection into possibility.